We are all familiar with what it feels like to be frustrated with ourselves. We may know exactly what kind of change we want to see in our lives, whether it be to quit a bad habit, eat well, exercise, or work on a new project; the list goes on. We’ve listened to friends and family, motivational speakers, and all kinds of solid arguments for the changes we want to make.

So why do we often end up doing what we always do? Is it a character flaw, like laziness or a lack of discipline? Is it the paralyzing desire for perfectionism? Is it a lack of practical information on next steps?

Ehh, maybe. But I believe there is a lot more going on, as does current research on the topic.

I will first write about what it may look like to help ourselves, and then second about strategies for helping others.

Often, we try to help ourselves or others through “directing.” Directing is a method of helping that involves providing direction, instruction, and advice (Miller & Rollnick, 2012). I am quite guilty of this, as I am sure many of us “problem-solving” types are! We just want to fix it!

By trying to use persuasion, we try to explain to ourselves and others our reasons for change, how we’re capable of it, and what it takes to make it happen.

So, why are most of us still where we started, despite our good reasons?

The ideas I write about from here on are largely based from two sources: a book called “How We Change (And 10 Reasons Why We Don’t)” by Ellenhorn (2020) and “Motivational Interviewing” by Miller and Rollnick (2012).

Why Helping Through Directing Doesn’t Work Much

Having a desire to change is the first stage of the change process, known as ambivalence. We see reasons to change and reasons not to. That’s good!

The thing is, most people already know why change would be good for them. They know they need to in order to reach their goals. We don’t have to imagine the effect that hearing these same reasons over again would have on a person. I am sure we have all felt it.

Resistance. Offense. Feeling not good enough.

Research has revealed that across the world, people have similar responses to someone trying to help them (or you telling yourself), whether it be by them telling someone the reasons they should change, telling them how to do it, or encouraging action through words.

Here are the results of this study, cited directly from Miller and Rollnick.

The participants felt:

1. Angry (agitated, annoyed, irritated, not heard, not understood)
2. Defensive (discounting, judged, justifying, oppositional, unwilling to change)
3. Uncomfortable (ashamed, overwhelmed, eager to leave)
4. Powerless (passive, one-down, discouraged, disengaged)

As can be surmised, these emotions do not have very positive outcomes. Often, by arguing for change, it encourages the other person to argue against it!

Of course, people who try to help others (and themselves) change have their hearts in the right place. However, it is estimated that about 1 in 20 people find it helpful to be helped in this way.

These odds could be better.

So, why are so many of us still stuck in ambivalence?

We Have Our Reasons

As I stated earlier, to be ambivalent means to have reasons for and against change. Often, when we really want to see changes, we only tell ourselves or others the reasons to change, which naturally infers that we would be crazy not to.

The amount of frustration that creates can be overwhelming!

Imagine the self-talk…. “I’m not disciplined enough”; “I’m not strong enough”, “I’m not good at this like other people”. It’s a whole downward spiral of unmotivating feelings!

These ideas create the identity that we actually aren’t choosing anything at all. We’re just weak at actualizing our one solid option.

Even in the therapy world, people with behavioral addictions get stigmatized in this way–that they are irrational, self-harming, and not in their right mind. These labels do not help anyone, and I firmly believe that to attribute them only infers our own ignorance on the matter, as innocent as it may be to be that way.

People want to live and thrive. They don’t want to hurt themselves. It’s an instinct. So… there is a logic to staying the same that somehow convinces us (or did convince us) that we would be safer by staying this way.

Even if the result of not changing is self-harming, damaging, and even deadly… somewhere along the line there was a logic to it, although it may no longer be relevant or helpful.

Now, time to insert a quick disclaimer: we can’t ignore biology and genetic personality factors. There is more to addiction, for example, than logic when the brain and body is physically addicted, or when we all have different levels of brain health with different levels of brain flexibility (plasticity) to make change easier or harder (it’s easier for a seven-year old to change a habit than a seventy-year old). There are other factors going on. But, for the general population and more, I believe most momentum to change or not change is (or was, at some point, and can be again) cognitive.

So, the task at hand is to be honest and create curiosity and awareness for the reasons we have for not changing, and to respect how those reasons are legitimate and powerful.

By doing this, we can get our power over ourselves back.

The Top 10 Reasons We Don’t Change

When trying to discover why we don’t change, I find it immensely helpful to look at reasons why others don’t. Having a list of reasons like this may help you to validate the power of your own reasons instead of labeling them as “excuses.”

The reasons listed below are from research by PhD Ross Ellenhorn, who reported his findings in his book “How We Change (And 10 Reasons Why We Don’t)” (2020).

So, here they are, in a neat little package:

1. Staying the same protects you from awareness of your aloneness and sole accountability for your own life
2. Staying the same protects you from the accountability for “what’s next”
3. Staying the same protects you from the unknown
4. Staying the same protects you from your own expectations
5. Staying the same protects you from the expectations of others
6. Staying the same protects you from seeing where you are
7. Staying the same protects you from the insult of small steps
8. Staying the same protects a monument to your pain
9. Staying the same protects you from changing your relationship with others
10. Staying the same protects you from changing your relationship with yourself

Create Awareness, Then Empathize

Now that not changing makes too much sense, where do we go from here?

After reading these 10 reasons, hopefully you view them as vulnerable, powerful, reasonable reasons not to change. If you view them only as an excuse, then you are saying you do not have power over fulfilling your one choice, which is a powerless, helpless, place to be. It also isn’t true. There is always a push and a pull.

These reasons are abstract with a lot to unpack, so it may take time to fully understand the specifics behind why it is so scary to change for each individual situation.

In order to inspire change, we must continue on this path of being aware of why we don’t. The more we know about why, the more we can understand what we’re up against instead of being vaguely resistant and frustrated.

In order to accomplish this awareness, I recommend choosing your top one, two, or three reasons you suspect prevent you from wanting to change, and use it as a writing prompt. Introspection on your reason may help bring all that you might be nervous about to consciousness. Although it could be scary, change comes more easily when you know consciously what you are about to face. It is influencing you whether you know about it or not.

I will give a hypothetical example of what it may look like to “unpack” these ideas. Let’s say there is a 75-year old man who smokes a pack of cigarettes each day. He knows that if he wants to live longer and have a higher quality of life, he needs to stop smoking. He hasn’t gone to the doctor in decades. His family members keep telling him to go, and they continually explain all of the reasons smoking is bad for you (which is a “directing” style of helping). The man may likely feel the initial feelings I mentioned at the beginning of this post in response to these persuasions–anger, defensiveness, discomfort, and powerlessness. The discomfort would likely encourage him to resist and discount what everyone was trying to tell him. And of course, he already knows everything they’re saying. He already feels ashamed and helpless because of it.

So, why doesn’t he change when there is an obvious benefit to doing so?

Maybe we are underestimating the fear of seeing where we are (#6). He may go to the doctor and find out his lungs are irreparable and that it isn’t likely he will live much longer. That’s a terrifying and real possibility!

Maybe he is protecting himself from the expectations of others (#5). How would his granddaughter feel if he told her he would stop smoking, and then he failed to?

Maybe he is protecting a monument to his pain (#8). Maybe he started smoking after his wife passed away many years ago, and by trying to quit that would almost be like saying he was no longer missing her.

I could go on. think every reason, #1 through #10, could be applied to this scenario! And each is packed with powerful emotions.

When we try to force change without understanding our reasons for staying the same, look at all of the emotions and consequences we are trying to bulldoze. Of course we would feel invalidated and unheard when it seems like there is only one real choice, as if all of our worries don’t matter. They do. Feel those feelings! Change is scary!

So, now that our feelings are valid and whatnot, what’s next?

Listen to Yourself Talk (or Write)

Don’t forget, we’re still ambivalent. We haven’t forgotten that despite the pain of change, there is also pain in staying the same. Now, values and priorities have to be organized, now that the pain of change has hopefully been given its due weight.

It is human nature that in an ambivalent person, when one person takes a side when talking to us, we are going to take the other. We want both sides represented.

Another tendency of human nature is that we are more persuaded by what we ourselves say, than by what other people say.

So, we need to listen to ourselves. Both sides. If you speak to someone who typically has a directing style, you may naturally oppose them. However, if you speak to someone who is more accepting of where you’re at, you will likely feel a discomfort and resistance even still.

For example, I have noted in the therapy office multiple times, that when I hear people explain their reasons for staying the way they are, and I say, “well, you could always stay the same,” they start to argue for why they don’t want to! It’s funny how we’re all so rebellious.

Speaking to others who have an opinion may make it difficult to decide which of your values are strongest: feeling the stress relief, plus #1-10 of the reasons above, or trying to be healthier and reduce other kinds of stress medically and relationally. This is why many people seek out therapists, especially those who are trained in “change talk” and staying more neutral.

Another consideration about decision-making is that in order for this to be a true decision-making process, you can’t be unwilling to hold the option that change may not be worth it in some instances.

I know, it sounds counter-intuitive. We want to change.

Well, to be real, in some cases, other people want us to change but we may find out through exploring our values that we don’t. There’s a chance of that. In this case, you’ll have to have faith that your final decision truly aligns with what you want for yourself, and isn’t simply a way to cope with fear.

Writing in a journal would be a more unbiased way of hearing your own voice. You may end up arguing with yourself and going back and forth, but that means you are respecting both sides, and when you decide what is overall most important to you, you know you haven’t done so out of ignorance or neglect.

If you struggle to create priorities, maybe consider the question, “if I died in five years, what kinds of regrets would I have? What would I be most proud of?” Those existential questions always get me!

After the Decision

Once you decide on what change you want to make, given a true and honest weighing of both sides, you may find yourself going back and forth still, but hopefully you have processed enough that you are aware that what you are hesitating on is simply the purposeful cost of your choice. Resilience comes from this acknowledgement.

You may want to look for resources or be part of a culture that helps you fulfill your decision. For example, I wanted to run more, so I applied part-time at a running store a year or two ago, and now I run all the time, and it’s easy, because I have to report my successes and failures to my fellow masochists at work. The journey isn’t always smooth or easy, but viewing resistance as part of building what you want makes it easier to stay on that path.

When You are the Fixer Who Wants to Fix Others

Literally every therapist ever. It can be so frustrating watching others struggle with pain they say they don’t want, but then seem to continually recreate the situation that makes them feel that pain.

The natural response is to say, “why did you think that was going to help? Stop doing that, and do this instead, for reasons A, B, and C.”

But as I have stated earlier, such a directing style of fixing often makes ambivalent people want to do the opposite of what you are saying.

In therapy, there is a theoretical approach called Motivational Interviewing. This is a conversational style that does not direct, but guides. The key to this style is to only bring out the reasons that are already within that person, instead of trying to push your own reasons on to them.

Guiding Instead of Directing

Guiding is a method of helping that shows the way after the person has already decided they want the information from you. It’s not a lecture of what someone should do, but a back-and-forth conversation that provides guidance at the rate that the person asking is looking for it.

This style of helping requires empathy, first of all. Remember the 10 reasons people don’t change. Consider the fear and pain they are logically preventing by avoiding change.

As a fixer, it can feel “enabling” to accept people for where they are at and going at their pace, but one simply cannot push them along to create anything lasting. Accepting the place a person is at is a necessary step to help empower a person rather than to overtake them. We shouldn’t be fighting people into reducing their free will. We want to create a safe environment for them to consider change without feeling pressure that shuts them down or makes them rebellious.

So what is the difference between enabling and accepting?

Enabling is the act of protecting someone from the consequences of their actions. Enabling tends to minimize damage and may even allow personal boundaries to be threatened. Acceptance is not approval of actions. Acceptance is an acknowledgement of the person’s worth and value, empathy, respecting a person’s autonomy to make their own decisions, and acknowledging the person’s strengths (Miller & Rollnick, 2012). Accepting someone does not mean you have to agree with them or support them in damaging actions. If they ask for advice or resources, you guide them as best you can in a healthier direction, with empathy and without judgment. If they don’t ask, then they may not be ready for change, in which case we cannot force that upon them. It is painful that we have to acknowledge that sometimes, but we can only help people who are open to it.

What Guiding Looks Like

I will insert a chart here from the textbook I’ve been referencing, “Motivational Interviewing,” by Miller and Rollnick (2012, p. 5).

Verbs Associated with Each Communication Style

Directing Style	Guiding Style	Following Style
Administer Authorize Command Conduct Decide Determine Govern Lead Manage Order Prescribe Preside Rule Steer Run Take charge Take command Tell	Accompany Arouse Assist Awaken Collaborate Elicit Encourage Enlighten Inspire Kindle Lay before Look after Motivate Offer Point Show Support Take Along	Allow Attend Be responsive Be with Comprehend Go along with Grasp Have faith in Listen Observe Permit Shadow Stay with Stick to Take in Take interest in Understand Value

Here, there are three communication styles, and we have talked about two of them. The most passive style is “following.” Guiding is a balance between the two, because it still actively encourages a direction, but without force or someone not asking for it. It is also not so passive as to be supportive of all actions and the damage they cause.

Motivational Interviewing is all about the balance between having direction and meeting the person where they are at. For those who are interested in what that balance may look like, here are some prompts from the same source:

• “Why would you want to make this change?”
• “How might you go about it in order to succeed?”
• “What are the three best reasons for you to do it?”
• How important is it for you to make this change, and why?”
• “So, what do you think you’ll do?”

As these prompts have been studied as well, people who get asked these questions typically feel:

1. Engaged (interested, cooperative, like for the speaker, ready to keep talking)
2. Empowered (able to change, hopeful, optimistic)
3. Open (accepted, comfortable, safe, respected)
4. Understood (connected, heard, listened to)

Now, these emotions are so much more conducive to change and relationship.

We can’t make people change, but we can encourage a positive and open attitude towards it.

Change for Yourself and Others

TLDR;

Change for the self requires identifying and honoring our reasons for not changing, therefore returning us to the idea that we are rational beings that choose safety in one way or another. This realization can lead to empathy/emotional processing, recognizing the full spectrum of our values, and making an intentional choice with an awareness of the costs (which increases resilience).

Helping others change requires empathy and hope without force and persuasion. Allowing the person a safe space to explain their own reasons and hear themselves talk is proven to be much more effective than demands or leading. Motivational interviewing is a style of communication therapists use in order to create such an environment of support and guidance that enforces a direction, but only at the pace of the client. Offer advice at the pace it is being looked for to keep the relationship open and respect for the other person’s autonomy present.

Now that all of this is written, my final note is that all of this is hard/ a theoretical ideal, and I fail all the time at being patient and balanced in my personal life (it is easier when it’s my job). When in the moment, it is easy to feel panic and concern for other people. In this instance, it is important to be conscious of your own feelings, and to consider how much you might want the other person to change so that you yourself can feel better. It hurts to feel the pain of others, but that discomfort is still our own. It must be managed in a way separate from trying to control someone else, although there is nothing wrong with letting them know how you feel.

Good luck!

References

Ellenhorn, R. (2020). How we change (and 10 reasons why we don’t). Hachette UK.

Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2012). Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change, 3rd edition. http://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-17300-000